


Secrets - Sam's POV

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drabble, During Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-11
Updated: 2008-05-11
Packaged: 2018-09-03 09:49:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8707672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Sam is keeping a few secrets from Dean





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** This is just a drabble - there will be a matching one told from Dean's POV.

  
Author's notes: My first Sam/Dean attempt. Beta-d by garvaldmains (through LJ)  


* * *

I can feel it, the anxiety, rolling off him in waves. Even if I couldn’t read his thoughts, the dread is so strong in him that I’m sure that I could tell just how upset he really is just by looking at him.

 

He doesn’t know, has no idea, really, what I’m capable of now; I’m not really sure that even I understand or accept what has changed in me. Those months when he was gone turned me into someone. Someone different. Sure, I’m the same to look at on the outside and there is still more of his Sammy than anything else on the inside, but I can no longer pretend that I’m only human.

 

Ava was right. Once I decided that I didn’t care anymore and gave in to it, it was so easy. It was like flipping a switch. Everything was suddenly sharper, stronger, and richer. I spent those months he was gone hunting and searching for the Trickster. I wasn’t careful. Without him, it no longer mattered to me whether I lived or died. I’ll admit something. When I finally caught up to the Trickster I was pretty sure that it wasn’t the Bobby I was going to stake, but pretty sure would never had been enough for me before.

 

To be honest, I started to change before Dean was gone. Just little things really. It’s true that I seemed to lose all of my abilities after the Yellow Eyed Demon was killed. With hindsight I think I was somehow ignoring them, blocking them out, but slowly, without warning they started creeping up on me again. The first time that I really accepted these awakening abilities was when I killed Gordon.

 

I wrapped that razor wire around his throat without a second thought. Obviously, I had to do something; coupled with the agony of watching Dean at the mercy of the newly turned vampire’s strength, it was ‘kill or be killed’. What I didn’t have to do was enjoy it so much. I felt the razors slice through skin, muscle, vein and bone and I enjoyed it. I liked the way that his blood felt, running down my arms, hot and sticky and so much blood …. so much …. I felt strong as I watched the light go out in his eyes and I reveled in that strength. Immediately after, still on the intoxicating high of victory, was the first time that I realized that I could sense what others were feeling again. My brother looked at me and for just a split second I could feel the uneasiness inside of him. He pushed it away fast though, and told me he was proud of me. 

 

It’s that single look of unease that haunts me, and it’s that look that keeps me from telling him what I’m becoming. He is my world and I will not lose him. I lived for months without him, and I cannot do that again. If he knew what I am he would do something stupid, in the name of saving me. I can’t let that happen.

 

There’s one more secret that I’m keeping, and this one might be bigger than the first. Since he’s been back, I’ve wanted him, needed him, with an almost primitive heart-wrenching need. At first I excused the feelings ….. I just needed reassurance that he was really here with me. The longer he’s back though, the more I realize that that isn’t all there is to it. Somehow I am seeing him as a man now, the other half of me, not just my big brother. His expressive green eyes, his sinfully full lips …. I want to touch him and taste him and never let him go. It can’t happen; he can never know. The second secret would probably be harder on him than the first.

 

I try to cover up my feelings, and even though it’s hard, I try my best not to read his thoughts. It’s getting more and more difficult to keep my game face on. My hands itch to cup his face, to skim the hard planes of his body. I dream of him almost every night, and wake up hard and desperate almost every morning. I want to press my lips to his, to taste his essence, and I want to see his lips wrapped around my cock with a desire so visceral …. I understand now what it feels like to be consumed by your feelings for someone.

 

I will save him when his deal is due, and I will keep my secrets from him for as long as I possibly can. I’ll slip up someday, and he’ll find out, it’s inevitable. I don’t know if he’ll be able to forgive and accept me, so I’m going to put off this inevitability for as long as I can. In the meantime, I’ll look out for him and fall asleep each night with his name on my lips. Dean.


End file.
